You honestly never thought you would end up here, but you have a loved one in jail. You’re experiencing a ton of emotions and are at a loss about how to deal with the situation. Here’s some advice on what to say to someone in jail and things you might want to avoid verbalizing.
The Importance of Communication
You may not want to say anything at all to your loved one in jail. It’s understandable. You’re mad, hurt, embarrassed, and dozens of other emotions that make you want to avoid the entire situation. Maybe you were taught that if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. But when someone you care about is in jail, the emotional and psychological toll on them can be immense. Maintaining communication can be vital to their well-being.
Staying connected helps:
- Reduce Isolation. Being jailed leads to loneliness and disconnection. Regular communication helps combat these feelings and reminds the person they aren’t alone.
- Boost Mental Health. Incarceration negatively impacts mental health. Knowing they have a support system can help alleviate anxiety, reduce feelings of shame, and inspire hope in the jailed person.
- Strengthen Relationships. Time apart can strain relationships. Communication shows you care enough about the person to invest in the relationship, even under difficult circumstances.
- Support Rehabilitation. Support from family and friends is often a key factor in successful rehabilitation. When someone knows they have people who believe in them, they’re more likely to stay motivated to make positive changes.
- Provide Practical Support. Communication also allows you to address practical matters. Whether it’s assisting with legal issues, connecting them with resources, or managing tasks they can’t handle from inside, staying in touch enables you to provide necessary tangible support.
What to Say to Someone in Jail
Now that you know clamming up isn’t going to help anyone, what do you say to someone in jail? The key is to communicate with empathy, encouragement, and understanding. Here are some ideas.
Offer Support and Encouragement
Try to remind the person that they aren’t alone. Reassuring words can counter feelings of abandonment or hopelessness. Let them know you care and you’re committed to maintaining the relationship. Say things like, “We’ll get through this” or “I know you can overcome this.”
Focus on Positivity and Hope
Don’t sugarcoat the situation, but offer positivity and hope for the future. Encourage them to think about reconnecting with loved ones and other positive things they want to do when they’re released. Use phrases like, “This is a setback.” Keep the focus on progress and the belief that the situation is temporary.
Listen and Validate Their Feelings
The truth is that you don’t know exactly how they’re feeling or what’s going through their head, and you shouldn’t pretend like you do. Encourage them to share their feelings and resist the urge to judge or offer immediate solutions. Validation can go a long way in helping someone feel seen and understood. It helps build trust and emotional resilience.
Provide Practical Help
There are a lot of things your jailed loved one can do for themselves, like make regular phone calls. Ask them if you can do any tasks to ease their burden and keep the rehabilitation process moving forward. Something as simple as letting their employer know they’re in jail can weigh on their mind.
What to Avoid Saying
You probably have a lot of things you’d like to say to the person in jail that aren’t healthy or helpful for anyone. It’s understandable, but it may be best to keep these things to yourself or address them later.
Judgment or Criticism
You may be mad and want the person to know how angry and disappointed you are. But there’s likely nothing you can say that they don’t already know and aren’t already thinking.
Avoid any language that comes across as blaming, shaming, or criticizing. Expressing judgment can damage trust and hinder the connection you’re trying to build.
It’s ok to acknowledge their mistakes, but don’t define who they are by something they’ve done and are trying to overcome.
Empty Promises
Offering reassurances or commitments you can’t keep might provide temporary comfort, but it can lead to greater disappointment later. Be honest about your limits and realistic about what you can offer. For example, don’t promise to visit more than you can or to get them released sooner than is possible.
Remember, it’s not your job to fix the situation. Your role is to do your best to be there for them while they deal with a situation they created.
Overly Negative or Overwhelming News
Things are super difficult for your loved one right now, so they don’t need to hear about all the negativity happening outside their day-to-day life. Avoid burdening them with stress they can’t resolve by telling them things like, “I don’t know how we’re going to pay the bills with you in here.” Instead, provide updates in a balanced way, focusing on solutions when possible.
Dismissive or Minimizing Remarks
You don’t know what your loved one is experiencing, even if you’ve been in a similar situation. Minimizing their experience can make them feel unheard or invalidated.
Avoid saying things like, “It’s not that bad” or “It’ll be over before you know it,” implying that their feelings aren’t justified or their situation isn’t significant.
Instead, acknowledge the challenges they’re facing while offering hope and encouragement.
Sensitive Topics
Steer clear of discussions that could trigger guilt, sadness, or helplessness when there’s no action they can take right now. These topics might include family issues, past mistakes, or how their absence negatively impacts others. They already know and likely are ruminating on these things. They don’t need you to remind them.
Additional Tips for Communication
Chances are you don’t feel like the strong one right now, and you certainly didn’t ask to be thrown into this role. But it’s still important to know what to say to someone in jail to support them as best you can. Remember to write, visit, and accept calls as often as possible. What you say (and avoid saying) can make a difference in how they’re able to process their situation, survive it, and move forward.
