There’s nothing ideal about having a loved one in jail during the holidays. It’s sad and challenging for everyone involved. And you worry about the incarcerated person and how they’re doing without their family and friends. Supporting a loved one jailed during the holidays takes planning, intention, and care.
Understanding the Emotional Impact
Holidays are challenging for many people. Depending on the study you reference, more than half of people and up to 70% with a diagnosed mental health disorder say they feel emotionally worse during the holiday season. These feelings may be compounded for those who are incarcerated during the holidays.
“The holiday season for those incarcerated can be especially difficult as they are separated from family, friends, and children, and missing out on celebrations with loved ones,” said Dr. Alicia Irvin, Ph.D., director of psychological services at TK Health.
“They may experience increased depression and anxiety, as well as feeling hopeless and isolated. The risk of suicide may also increase during these times for some individuals, which is why access to mental health treatment is critical.”
People in jail during the holidays also may experience:
- Isolation
- Loneliness
- Guilt and shame
- Hopelessness
- Anger and frustration
- Nostalgia
- Envy or resentment
- Yearning for connection
Holidays can exacerbate pre-existing mental health concerns. Since about 64% of jail inmates have mental health disorders, the holidays can be even more challenging as they attempt to cope with the consequences of their actions.
Supporting a Loved One Jailed During the Holidays
The holidays in jail simply aren’t and can’t be the same. But there are some things you can do to support your loved one who is jailed during the holidays. Providing this support may help them feel less alone and make you feel you’ve done what you can during this difficult time.
Plan Communication
Communicating with someone in jail isn’t as simple as picking up the phone to call or sending them a quick email. But communicating with a loved one in jail can be valuable for their well-being and yours.
Communication with your loved one in jail can look like writing letters, sending cards and photos, or planning phone calls. These efforts can help them feel connected and less lonely.
To send mail to an incarcerated person, you need to know the correct mailing address for the facility where the person is and their name and identification number. These details typically can be found on the jail website. If you want your mail to arrive during the holidays, you’ll want to send it early because processing takes time. You also should check with the jail to see what’s allowed before mailing items. You can also find this information on the jail’s website.
If you want to speak with your loved one on the phone, chances are they’ll need to call you. So, you want to plan when they will call and ensure you’ve set up the means for them to do so. It may look like getting on an approved call list, setting up a prepaid phone account, or being ready to accept a collect call. You also may be able to set up a video call, depending on the availability of that technology at the jail where your loved one is. Again, you can probably find most of the details related to calls on the jail’s website, so you’ll want to check that well in advance and make a plan.
Include Them in Traditions
Your loved one won’t be there this year to enjoy Grandma’s turkey or play White Elephant with the family, but that doesn’t mean you can’t include them in family traditions from afar.
Sharing holiday stories and updates can be sad for you both, but it also can be helpful. Don’t feel bad about telling them that Grandma’s turkey was amazing, but she burnt the sweet potato casserole, like always. They may even get a chuckle out of Uncle Frank getting stuck with a floral candle in the gift-stealing game or that their kids watched Home Alone with the family for the first time this year.
Telling these stories may induce loneliness and sadness, but it also helps them feel connected to what’s happening outside the jail.
You may even be able to send them a small gift or treat in advance of the holidays to help them experience a small piece of home. Just be sure to check the jail’s rules to see what’s allowed.
Go for a Visit
Visiting the jail is likely not top on your list of holiday plans, but there’s probably no better way to support your loved one. In-person visits may not be possible at all jails, but planning one around the holidays is a good idea if they are. Be sure to plan well in advance and review jail policies to make it happen.
Provide Emotional Support
Regardless of how you connect with your loved one in jail during the holidays, do your best to support them emotionally. That may look like writing them uplifting messages, listening to their concerns without judgment, or connecting them with resources to help resolve any issues they’re having. Yes, your loved one is experiencing the consequences of their actions, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve love and support. Do your best to provide it for them.
Taking Care of Yourself as a Supporter
Putting on a happy face and supporting a loved one jailed during the holidays isn’t easy. You’re likely sad, angry, and maybe even resentful of being forced to spend this time without them, too. Families of incarcerated people face their own struggles, for sure.
If you’re having a difficult time handling the holidays with a loved one in jail, consider speaking to a mental health professional, joining a support group, or taking time to do something kind for yourself. You can’t give all of yourself to someone else. Recognizing and admitting that your situation isn’t typical or desired is ok. Take care of yourself first and do your best in this difficult time.
“Remembering that caring for yourself in addition to supporting others during this time is vital, Dr. Irvin said. “It’s important to keep in mind that you can’t take care of others if you haven’t taken care of yourself first.”
Supporting a Loved One in Jail
Certainly, there’s never a good time to be in jail, but spending the holidays there is emotionally challenging for the incarcerated person and their loved ones. Find ways to support each other during this time. Don’t forget to consider how staying connected now can benefit you and your relationship in the future.
